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Petting Devices April 22, 2012

Posted by erasmusgalileo in Uncategorized.
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If my human would ever leave his laptop open I would blog more. Here is what I want you to understand, especially you kittens: humans have two perfectly good petting devices on the ends of their arms, and you have to use them to maximum effect. Sometimes it appears that their petting devices are not functioning, but one trick I have learned with the years is that if you rub yourself against them the effect is almost as good as if the petting devices themselves are moving. Besides, sometimes that gets them to start moving. You can’t just wait for the pets to begin. Patience is not a cat’s best friend here. You need to start the petting. Of course, presenting your belly for the humans usually works pretty well, too, but not always.

Something that I’ll bet many of you do not know is that humans also come equipped with two other petting devices on the ends of their back legs, which they use to walk on. But sometimes these are also available. Unfortunately, they like to put these big, clumsy caps on the ends of them for no good reason. But sometimes they take them off, and believe me, not only can you get great pets that way, the smell is awesome. I highly recommend trying to encourage this in your humans, particularly in the morning when they first get up, because they usually don’t have those funny caps on their feet.

One last thing before I forget. Humans have this weird thing about not wearing their fur sometimes. And they will leave it places. If your human isn’t around and you can’t sleep in their lap, you can sleep on the fur. It is warm and it smells like my human. Note: sometimes they get upset when you do this. I have no earthly idea why. Humans are strange. Anyway, that is probably enough to think about. Go take a nap. And make sure you wash your fur when you get up. Just some useful tips from your truly, Erasmus


Theory of Smartness and Dumbness January 1, 2010

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I have to spend a lot of time trying to teach my humans how to do what I want them to do. It is not really their fault–they are just not as smart as I am, and I need to be patient with them and keep trying. Maybe blogging about some of the frustrations cats experience with their humans will help things a little, since humans seem to be so slow in figuring out what staring at them while perched atop the cat holder next to the food bowl means (note to humans: it means we want more food. Also, while we’re on the subject, whenever we go out to the kitchen it means there needs to be a can of chicken opened.)

This is a cause of many wasted hours that could be spent doing more important things (like being petted) but it is not really something that can be helped very much. I say that to all the impatient young cats out there who have not got the experience that I have. I wondered about this for years, and one day I had a theory. It makes total sense. See if you humans can follow it; if you can’t it is just because you are humans. My cat readers will understand it.

The theory is this: There are only so many intelligence particles to go around, and a creature with a larger body has them dispersed over a wider area. That means that larger creatures will be dumber. That is why cats are smarter than humans, and clearly smarter than dogs, especially the big loud kind.

Now if you are one of those creatures that has to spot flaws in the logic of others you may be mewwing to yourself, ‘ok Mr. Smart Guy, how come mice, which are way smaller than cats, are obviously much stupider?’

It is simple, though I confessed it baffled me for a while. The answer is that mice eat cheese. Clearly there is something in the cheese that blocks the intelligence receptors for mice. I’m not really sure what bugs eat that makes them so dumb, but there must be something. And birds. Obviously they are lacking in mental faculties. But they make good snacks. I’m going to go see if I can get some chicken while you try to absorb my staggering erudition.

How To Catch Things December 23, 2009

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Humans post a lot of things on the internet about how to do things. But I have not seen anything useful about how to catch mice and bugs, which is the most important activity there is. Mice, especially. Mice don’t take holidays–not even for Christmas Eve. And don’t feed me that line about how ‘not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.’ That’s nonsense. My human says that it was on Christmas Eve, while wrapping presents, that he got his first visit from a mouse. It came right out into the middle of the floor to wish him a merry Christmas in its high, squeaky, voice. That just burns me up. If I had been there, that mouse wouldn’t be wishing anybody a merry anything. It would be running for its life. Of course, a few months later, I moved in. There haven’t been any mice since.

If there were any mice, I would know what to do about it. So this post is about how to make sure you aren’t merry christmassed by something that you don’t want to be merry christmassed by. Like a stupid, long-tailed, chattery little mouse.

This blog is taking a long time to write. Every time I think of things with long thin tails I have to run around a few times to burn off the energy.

Anyway, here’s what to do:

It is no good catching it right away. Cats are so infinitely superior to the things they were designed to catch that they could kill them right away and go back to their naps, but that wouldn’t be any fun. Despite what you humans think about us, we don’t sleep ALL day. Just long enough to give our brains energy to think up new ways to guard the perimeter.

So, when you see something that needs to be dead, give it a chance to run away. The best way is to wait until it has gotten around a corner, because things with small brains think they are safe if they can’t see you. Then you count both your front paws once, and charge. Leading up to the time to strike is a lot of shifting of your weight back and forth to test your balance and get primed for quick movement. My human says soccer goalies have learned this trick from us. Once you decide to charge in, give the thing a light tap, maybe bat it around a few times, and then retreat under a chair to leave it guessing where you are. It will start to think it is safe again. Once it starts to move, you can strike again. If it decides to play dead, you can wake it up by giving it a little bat.

It is important to be creative in your approach. Don’t just follow the thing around. If it goes around a chair, you go the other way, so it almost runs into you. This is my favorite method, actually, and the surprised look on its face is its own reward. Mice, being stupid, like to think linearly, whereas a wise cat will have the entire area mapped out three-dimensionally, and will know how to use the high places, and the secret tunnels, and so forth, to get the advantage of the enemy.

Anyway, after a while a few quick bites will do the trick. Then go take a nap.

Lap Season October 3, 2009

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You humans may have your spring, summer, fall and winter, but for me there are only two seasons: window season and lap season. Window season is when the window is open and I can hear the birds and look out and glare at the squirrels as they cross the lawn. Once I held a squirrel frozen in mortal terror for twenty minutes until my human laughed at me when he came back into the room and found us in the same position. That distracted me and the squirrel got away. That happened a few years ago and I am still mad at him.

My humans say the window is like television for cats. Well, when it is open it is like high definition. The birds are louder and the picture is better because the windows get smudged sometimes.

It’s not like I have to have an open window. I can quit that habit any time I want to. In fact, one time I nearly caught a bird I couldn’t see. It was warbling away in its inconsiderate way next to the air conditioner. Since it was right across the Styrofoam, I waited for my chance, then shot my paw through it so fast it busted the Styrofoam. That bird must have been scared to see my paw come crashing through his little nest! That’ll show him. My human didn’t like it much, though.

Anyway, window season is good times, particularly at night when it is just me and the rodentia. Crickets are OK, they make good light snacking, but I could really go for some high quality rodentia. That’s mice for you humans who couldn’t figure that out.

Sadly, it is cold now and my humans are keeping the window closed. But now I can crawl on their laps to stay warm and think deep philosophical thoughts like these which I can blog about when the humans are out of the house. Lap season lasts for a long time around here. But it has its up side. Thinking about it is making me sleepy. I’m going to go nap somewhere. Catch you later (that goes double for you rodentia!).

blog 0.0 July 16, 2009

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Erasmus.profoundly gazing out the window

Meow. My name is Erasmus, and I am a philosopher-cat. My human got me a blog for our10 year anniversary. Having attained many years I have become wise and have many things to say. But this blogging thing is making me tired, so I’ll catch you on the other side of this nap.