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How To Catch Things December 23, 2009

Posted by erasmusgalileo in Uncategorized.
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Humans post a lot of things on the internet about how to do things. But I have not seen anything useful about how to catch mice and bugs, which is the most important activity there is. Mice, especially. Mice don’t take holidays–not even for Christmas Eve. And don’t feed me that line about how ‘not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.’ That’s nonsense. My human says that it was on Christmas Eve, while wrapping presents, that he got his first visit from a mouse. It came right out into the middle of the floor to wish him a merry Christmas in its high, squeaky, voice. That just burns me up. If I had been there, that mouse wouldn’t be wishing anybody a merry anything. It would be running for its life. Of course, a few months later, I moved in. There haven’t been any mice since.

If there were any mice, I would know what to do about it. So this post is about how to make sure you aren’t merry christmassed by something that you don’t want to be merry christmassed by. Like a stupid, long-tailed, chattery little mouse.

This blog is taking a long time to write. Every time I think of things with long thin tails I have to run around a few times to burn off the energy.

Anyway, here’s what to do:

It is no good catching it right away. Cats are so infinitely superior to the things they were designed to catch that they could kill them right away and go back to their naps, but that wouldn’t be any fun. Despite what you humans think about us, we don’t sleep ALL day. Just long enough to give our brains energy to think up new ways to guard the perimeter.

So, when you see something that needs to be dead, give it a chance to run away. The best way is to wait until it has gotten around a corner, because things with small brains think they are safe if they can’t see you. Then you count both your front paws once, and charge. Leading up to the time to strike is a lot of shifting of your weight back and forth to test your balance and get primed for quick movement. My human says soccer goalies have learned this trick from us. Once you decide to charge in, give the thing a light tap, maybe bat it around a few times, and then retreat under a chair to leave it guessing where you are. It will start to think it is safe again. Once it starts to move, you can strike again. If it decides to play dead, you can wake it up by giving it a little bat.

It is important to be creative in your approach. Don’t just follow the thing around. If it goes around a chair, you go the other way, so it almost runs into you. This is my favorite method, actually, and the surprised look on its face is its own reward. Mice, being stupid, like to think linearly, whereas a wise cat will have the entire area mapped out three-dimensionally, and will know how to use the high places, and the secret tunnels, and so forth, to get the advantage of the enemy.

Anyway, after a while a few quick bites will do the trick. Then go take a nap.

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