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Theory of Smartness and Dumbness January 1, 2010

Posted by erasmusgalileo in Uncategorized.
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I have to spend a lot of time trying to teach my humans how to do what I want them to do. It is not really their fault–they are just not as smart as I am, and I need to be patient with them and keep trying. Maybe blogging about some of the frustrations cats experience with their humans will help things a little, since humans seem to be so slow in figuring out what staring at them while perched atop the cat holder next to the food bowl means (note to humans: it means we want more food. Also, while we’re on the subject, whenever we go out to the kitchen it means there needs to be a can of chicken opened.)

This is a cause of many wasted hours that could be spent doing more important things (like being petted) but it is not really something that can be helped very much. I say that to all the impatient young cats out there who have not got the experience that I have. I wondered about this for years, and one day I had a theory. It makes total sense. See if you humans can follow it; if you can’t it is just because you are humans. My cat readers will understand it.

The theory is this: There are only so many intelligence particles to go around, and a creature with a larger body has them dispersed over a wider area. That means that larger creatures will be dumber. That is why cats are smarter than humans, and clearly smarter than dogs, especially the big loud kind.

Now if you are one of those creatures that has to spot flaws in the logic of others you may be mewwing to yourself, ‘ok Mr. Smart Guy, how come mice, which are way smaller than cats, are obviously much stupider?’

It is simple, though I confessed it baffled me for a while. The answer is that mice eat cheese. Clearly there is something in the cheese that blocks the intelligence receptors for mice. I’m not really sure what bugs eat that makes them so dumb, but there must be something. And birds. Obviously they are lacking in mental faculties. But they make good snacks. I’m going to go see if I can get some chicken while you try to absorb my staggering erudition.


Lap Season October 3, 2009

Posted by erasmusgalileo in Uncategorized.
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You humans may have your spring, summer, fall and winter, but for me there are only two seasons: window season and lap season. Window season is when the window is open and I can hear the birds and look out and glare at the squirrels as they cross the lawn. Once I held a squirrel frozen in mortal terror for twenty minutes until my human laughed at me when he came back into the room and found us in the same position. That distracted me and the squirrel got away. That happened a few years ago and I am still mad at him.

My humans say the window is like television for cats. Well, when it is open it is like high definition. The birds are louder and the picture is better because the windows get smudged sometimes.

It’s not like I have to have an open window. I can quit that habit any time I want to. In fact, one time I nearly caught a bird I couldn’t see. It was warbling away in its inconsiderate way next to the air conditioner. Since it was right across the Styrofoam, I waited for my chance, then shot my paw through it so fast it busted the Styrofoam. That bird must have been scared to see my paw come crashing through his little nest! That’ll show him. My human didn’t like it much, though.

Anyway, window season is good times, particularly at night when it is just me and the rodentia. Crickets are OK, they make good light snacking, but I could really go for some high quality rodentia. That’s mice for you humans who couldn’t figure that out.

Sadly, it is cold now and my humans are keeping the window closed. But now I can crawl on their laps to stay warm and think deep philosophical thoughts like these which I can blog about when the humans are out of the house. Lap season lasts for a long time around here. But it has its up side. Thinking about it is making me sleepy. I’m going to go nap somewhere. Catch you later (that goes double for you rodentia!).