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Theory of Smartness and Dumbness January 1, 2010

Posted by erasmusgalileo in Uncategorized.
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I have to spend a lot of time trying to teach my humans how to do what I want them to do. It is not really their fault–they are just not as smart as I am, and I need to be patient with them and keep trying. Maybe blogging about some of the frustrations cats experience with their humans will help things a little, since humans seem to be so slow in figuring out what staring at them while perched atop the cat holder next to the food bowl means (note to humans: it means we want more food. Also, while we’re on the subject, whenever we go out to the kitchen it means there needs to be a can of chicken opened.)

This is a cause of many wasted hours that could be spent doing more important things (like being petted) but it is not really something that can be helped very much. I say that to all the impatient young cats out there who have not got the experience that I have. I wondered about this for years, and one day I had a theory. It makes total sense. See if you humans can follow it; if you can’t it is just because you are humans. My cat readers will understand it.

The theory is this: There are only so many intelligence particles to go around, and a creature with a larger body has them dispersed over a wider area. That means that larger creatures will be dumber. That is why cats are smarter than humans, and clearly smarter than dogs, especially the big loud kind.

Now if you are one of those creatures that has to spot flaws in the logic of others you may be mewwing to yourself, ‘ok Mr. Smart Guy, how come mice, which are way smaller than cats, are obviously much stupider?’

It is simple, though I confessed it baffled me for a while. The answer is that mice eat cheese. Clearly there is something in the cheese that blocks the intelligence receptors for mice. I’m not really sure what bugs eat that makes them so dumb, but there must be something. And birds. Obviously they are lacking in mental faculties. But they make good snacks. I’m going to go see if I can get some chicken while you try to absorb my staggering erudition.